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Covert narcissism is a hidden form of narcissism, characterized by introversion, sensitivity to criticism, and passive-aggressive behavior. Unlike people with overt narcissism who may be loud and boastful, people struggling with covert narcissism are typically subtle and harder to recognize. This article will help you identify major signs of covert narcissism, help you support people struggling with covert narcissism, as well as provide insights into what you can do if you are the one facing this challenge.
Key Takeaways
- Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is an introverted form of narcissism characterized by extreme sensitivity to criticism, social anxiety, and passive-aggressive behavior.
- Common traits of covert narcissists include deep insecurity, self-doubt, chronic envy, manipulative behaviors, and withdrawal from social situations.
- Effective strategies for interacting with covert narcissists include setting clear boundaries, seeking therapy for professional support, and prioritizing self-care to maintain emotional well-being.
Understanding Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is not a formal clinical diagnosis but a term used to describe an introverted form of narcissism. It is characterized by intense sensitivity to criticism, social anxiety, and passive-aggressive behavior. While it shares traits with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), covert narcissism presents differently, often making it harder to recognize. Unlike overt narcissists who are loud and boastful, covert narcissists display their narcissistic traits in subtle and hidden ways, making them harder to recognize. Their withdrawn nature and covert narcissism sets them apart from their more extroverted counterparts.
People with covert narcissism, also known as covert narcissists, tend to disguise their narcissistic status pursuit as altruism, appearing kind and supportive in public while acting resentful and superior in private. They present themselves as quiet and self-critical, yet feel an intense sense of specialness and superiority. These traits can be challenging to recognize, but understanding them can help us navigate relationships with empathy and awareness.
Covert vs. Overt Narcissism
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be divided into two subtypes: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. While overt narcissists express their sense of superiority loudly and aggressively, covert narcissists display their narcissistic traits more subtly. Overt narcissists tend to have higher self-esteem and are more extroverted, whereas covert narcissists are introverted, shy, and often have lower self-esteem.
Both overt and covert narcissists exhibit a sense of self-importance and fantasize about success.
Common Traits of Covert Narcissists
People who struggle with covert narcissism can often exhibit the following traits:
- Deep insecurity
- Self-doubt
- Constant need for reassurance
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Poor listening skills
- Quiet self-centeredness
Their subtle tactics for seeking attention help them maintain an inflated sense of self-importance.
Major Signs of Covert Narcissism
Identifying covert narcissism can be challenging due to its subtle nature. However, there are specific signs that indicate someone may be struggling with covert narcissism. These include:
- High sensitivity to criticism
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Grandiose fantasies
- Self-deprecating comments
- Chronic envy
- Withdrawal and avoidance
- Manipulative behaviors
Recognizing these signs is a key step in identifying covert narcissists in your life. The following subsections will examine each of these major signs in detail.
High Sensitivity to Criticism
People with narcissism may exhibit extreme sensitivity to criticism. They may react strongly to any perceived criticism that confirms their negative self-view, often with extreme emotional responses. Despite appearing to be above criticism, they often feel empty, humiliated, or angry internally.
They may become combative or withdraw entirely from conversations with a quiet sullenness when receiving constructive criticism.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
People with covert narcissism often direct their anger inwardly by becoming self-deprecating or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. This behavior allows them to convey frustration or make themselves look superior without direct confrontation. They may display unsettling non-verbal cues such as yawns, eye rolls, and sighs, procrastinate, or hold grudges against those they feel have wronged them.
Grandiose Fantasies
People with covert narcissism may harbor grandiose fantasies where they see themselves as superior to others. To maintain their inflated sense of self-importance, they often avoid situations or tasks that challenge their self-view.
Self-Deprecating Comments
People with covert narcissism may use self-deprecating comments and negative self-talk, often stemming from low self esteem, as a means of getting sympathy and attention from others. They seek reassurance and admiration through modest or negative comments about their contributions, often fishing for compliments and recognition.
They may also offer compliments to others with the expectation of receiving one in return.
Chronic Envy
Chronic envy is often a persistent and ongoing part of the covert narcissist’s emotional experience. They constantly compare themselves to others and feel envious of what others have, focusing on their perceived lack.
This enduring feeling of jealousy towards others’ achievements and possessions is a hallmark of covert narcissism.
Withdrawal and Avoidance
People with covert narcissism often avoid social situations to avoid the risk of not being valued or adored. They may withdraw due to envy, social anxiety, or fear of comparison. In social situations, they often show a curated version of themselves and may deploy stonewalling techniques such as blocking out others when they are speaking.
Manipulative Behaviors
People with covert narcissism may use manipulative behaviors to gain trust and control in relationships. They cause others to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves through emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and coercion. They often disregard others’ importance and manipulate caring individuals for personal gain.
In platonic relationships, they may use guilt or pity to manipulate friends and colleagues.
Causes of Covert Narcissism
The exact causes of covert narcissism are not well understood, but it is believed that a combination of childhood trauma, genetics, and environmental factors contribute to its development. Understanding these causes can help in identifying and addressing the root issues that lead to covert narcissistic traits.
Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, can contribute to the development of covert narcissistic traits as coping mechanisms. Negative early-life experiences, such as neglect or victimization trauma like bullying or assault, may lead people to develop these traits as a way to protect themselves from further harm.
Children who grow up in environments where emotional manipulation is common may unconsciously adopt similar behaviors in an attempt to navigate their challenging surroundings. It’s important to approach this topic with empathy, understanding that these behaviors often stem from deep-seated pain and are a response to difficult, and sometimes traumatic, life experiences. By acknowledging the underlying causes, we can better support people in their journey toward healing and self-awareness.
Genetic Influences
Genetics may play a role in predisposing individuals to narcissistic personality disorder. Although the specific mechanisms are not fully understood, research indicates that gene-related oxidative stress might be linked to narcissistic personality traits. Oxidative stress refers to an imbalance between free radicals (unstable molecules that can damage cells) and antioxidants in the body, which can lead to cell and tissue damage. This imbalance may affect brain function and development, potentially influencing personality traits, including those associated with narcissism.
Environmental Factors
Environmental factors, including societal influences and family dynamics, can contribute to the development of narcissistic personality traits. Some factors that can contribute to the development of narcissistic traits can include:
- Society’s increasing focus on self-promotion, especially through social media
- Family dynamics that prioritize individual achievement and success
- Cultural values that emphasize competition and individualism
These factors can heighten pathological narcissism and narcissistic tendencies.
Children raised in environments with constant praise or harsh criticism are more likely to develop narcissistic personality disorder. Familial expectations and societal pressures also play a significant role in shaping these traits.
Effects of Covert Narcissism on Relationships
Covert narcissism can have profound effects on various types of relationships, including romantic, familial, and platonic. Partners and family members often feel emotionally drained and confused due to the covert nature of manipulation. Recognizing the toxicity within these relationships can be challenging due to the subtle manipulation tactics used by covert narcissists.
The subsequent sections will evaluate the influence of covert narcissism on different types of relationships, underlining the emotional and psychological ramifications.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships with covert narcissists can often involve:
- Manipulation and control issues
- One-sidedness, with most of the energy and attention directed towards the narcissistic partner
- Gaslighting, shaming tactics, and passive-aggressive behaviors
- Leaving their partners feeling isolated, neglected, and emotionally drained
Familial Relationships
In a family setting, a person with covert narcissism may use subtle emotional manipulation to control family members. This manipulation can lead to prolonged emotional distress and make family members question their own sanity and engage in self-blame.
Family therapy can help communicate boundaries effectively in a safe setting.
Platonic Relationships
People with covert narcissism often choose superficial friendships that add value to them, rather than genuine connections. These platonic relationships feel one-sided, with the narcissist directing most of the attention and energy towards themselves to fulfill their narcissistic supply. They may frequently turn their charm on and off based on their needs, making others feel neglected.
How To Support Someone Dealing With Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissism can be challenging for everyone involved, but there are effective strategies to help manage it. Setting clear boundaries, seeking therapy, and prioritizing self-care are crucial steps in supporting someone struggling with covert narcissism while also maintaining your own mental well-being.
In the upcoming sections, we will detail strategies for establishing boundaries, pursuing therapy, and incorporating self-care practices.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries with a covert narcissist is crucial to protect yourself. Identify harmful behavior patterns and set realistic limitations, taking space from the relationship as needed.
Expect that the narcissist might respond to boundaries with emotional manipulation, so reinforce your boundaries consistently.
Seeking Therapy
Seeking professional mental health support can be essential if the relationship with a covert narcissist becomes overwhelming. Therapists can provide insights and coping strategies for dealing with narcissistic behavior, helping you manage and mitigate the effects of covert narcissism on your mental health. Some options for professional mental health support include:
- Individual therapy
- Couples therapy
- Group therapy
- Support groups
- Online therapy
Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength and can greatly benefit your well-being. The therapists at Resilience Lab are trained to help people who might be struggling with narcissism or harmful relationships to find the best resolution based on their specific circumstance.
Self-Care Strategies
Engaging in regular self-care activities is essential for maintaining emotional well-being and resilience when dealing with a covert narcissist. Building a strong support system with friends and family can offer a fresh perspective and help you recognize manipulation.
Self-care can provide a clearer perspective on interactions with the narcissist, helping you to stay grounded and protect your mental health.
Tips For Helping To Manage Covert Narcissism
Treating covert narcissism primarily involves psychotherapy and medication. Psychotherapy plays a crucial role in helping individuals with narcissistic personality disorder understand their behaviors, improve emotional regulation, and strengthen their connections with others. Medication can help manage co-occurring mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, that often accompany covert narcissism.
The subsequent sections will delve into the roles of psychotherapy and medication in the treatment of covert narcissism.
Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy can be highly beneficial for those with narcissistic personality disorder, including covert narcissism. It can help people improve their relationships, manage their emotions, and set achievable goals. A key part of treatment involves helping people recognize that their defensive behaviors are not the entirety of who they are, fostering better self-awareness and healthier interpersonal relationships.
Trauma-focused therapy can also play a critical role in this process, allowing people to process the impact of their developmental environment and early negative life events. By addressing these underlying traumas, they can begin to release the pressure they feel to be superior, gradually reducing the deep-seated self-hatred that often fuels their behaviors.
Mental health professionals may also educate patients about different traits of narcissism to aid in understanding their condition. Whether you are struggling with displaying narcissism or interacting with someone in your life who displays narcissistic personality traits, speaking with a therapist is a great treatment option.
Medication
While there are no medications specifically for narcissistic personality disorder, drugs such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications may be prescribed to manage symptoms associated with co-occurring conditions like depression or anxiety. Medication can help people with covert narcissism to regulate their emotions, thereby enhancing their overall mental health and life quality.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the main differences between covert and overt narcissism?
The main difference between covert and overt narcissism is that people with overt narcissism may be loud and aggressive, while people with covert narcissism may be more introverted and subtle in their behavior. It's important to understand these distinctions in order to recognize and address these traits in others.
How can I recognize if someone is a covert narcissist?
If you notice someone displaying high sensitivity to criticism, passive-aggressive behavior, chronic envy, and manipulative behaviors, they may be someone with covert narcissism. Being aware of these signs can help you better understand what’s driving their behavior, and protect your own mental wellbeing.
What causes someone to develop covert narcissistic traits?
Covert narcissistic traits can develop from a combination of childhood trauma, genetic influences, and environmental factors.
How can I protect myself from a covert narcissist?
Make sure to set clear boundaries, seek therapy, and prioritize self-care when interacting with someone with covert narcissism. These strategies can help you protect your own mental health.
What treatment options are available for covert narcissism?
Therapy to improve emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships, as well as medication for co-occurring mental health issues like depression and anxiety, are common treatment options for covert narcissism.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis and needs immediate help, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
Clinically Reviewed by Christine Carville, LCSW-R.
Christine Carville, LCSW-R, is the co-founder and Chief Clinical Officer of Resilience Lab. Christine developed the Resilience Methodology, a trans-theoretical training model for therapists to provide individualized, flexible, trauma-informed care. She has also been teaching at the Columbia School of Social Work since 2016 and continues to maintain her own private psychotherapy practice.